


Love Means Having To Say You're Sorry

by realityisoverrated



Series: Infinite Love [136]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Infertility, M/M, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Postpartum Depression, Smoaking billionaires, Therapy, Toliver, flommy, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 06:35:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12205824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityisoverrated/pseuds/realityisoverrated
Summary: Oliver, Felicity and Tommy meet with a therapist.





	Love Means Having To Say You're Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> This story depicts a polyamorous relationship between one woman and two men. If this is not something you are interested in, please stop and go no further. 
> 
> One of the most common comments I heard after, Hope Is Believing In The Light, was that all was forgiven too easily. In life, we often don't deal with our issues as they come up. Sometimes, it's denial. Sometimes, something more urgent arises. Sometimes, both. I promised that there would be work to do in their marriage and this is the installment where our favorite triad begins to face what happened between the three of them when they tried to get pregnant a third time.
> 
> This installment is 109/136. The installment list has grown too long for the notes section. You can now find the chronological list for the series, with hyperlinks, at http://archiveofourown.org/works/11051019
> 
> If you are new to the series, welcome.

Artwork by ligiapimenta

 

Dr. Mather’s office had taken on an other-worldly quality. The fog had rolled in from the bay and settled heavily into the courtyard that normally provided a serene view of a garden with a koi pond. Felicity found the lush view soothing when her own negative thoughts waged violent assaults against her. Normally, she could gaze at the fat fish swimming lazily or watch as the waterfall gently cascaded into the pond. Today, the doctor’s office looked as if it was located amongst the clouds. Felicity couldn’t make out anything beyond the window.

“Felicity,” Dr. Mather’s voice cut through Felicity’s reverie.

“Yes,” Felicity responded.

“Where did you just go?” Dr. Mather’s asked.

Felicity smiled apologetically, “I’m sorry. I was just thinking I miss being able to see the pond. I find it calming.”

“What we’re talking about, it makes you uncomfortable?” Dr. Mather’s question was really more of a statement.

Felicity clasped her hands together and rested them on her knees. She was painfully aware that her husbands were anxiously awaiting her response. “Yes.”

“Have you always been uncomfortable discussing sex with Tommy and Oliver?” Dr. Mather’s asked.

A pithy retort, about the question being absurd because it seemed unlikely a woman who had sex with two men would be uncomfortable discussing sex, died on her lips.  “I think I was always frank in my discussions about sex, even if I was shy about articulating what I wanted,” she looked between her husbands for confirmation.

“Do you agree with that statement, Oliver?” the doctor asked.

Oliver cleared his throat and shifted beside his wife. “Yes. When we first got together, Felicity wasn’t as experienced. She was almost always honest about her feelings about sex, but she definitely wasn’t comfortable telling either of us what she wanted in bed. I think once we moved in together, that changed – but even after that, she was always more comfortable discussing what she wanted with Tommy.”

The doctor nodded her head as she listened, “Do you agree with Oliver and Felicity’s assessment, Tommy?”

“Mostly,” Tommy took Felicity’s hand. “I think after our second anniversary, things became easier for Felicity, and yes, I think Felicity has found it easier to talk to me about sex.”

Felicity looked at Tommy, “I think that’s right. After we moved in together, I was less worried you both would leave me.”

“You thought Tommy and Oliver were going to leave you?” the doctor asked.

“I don’t know if I believed they would, but I definitely was afraid they would,” Felicity admitted.

“Why is that, do you think? Because of your dad?” Dr. Mather’s inquired.

“Because Tommy and I started having anal sex,” Oliver answered.

“Is Oliver right, Felicity?” the doctor asked.

Felicity nodded her head and said softly, “I think you’re both right. What happened with my dad, that definitely impacted my ability to trust. Before Oliver and Tommy, love had always meant getting left behind. There was a time I feared that they wouldn’t need me anymore because they had become physical with one another.” Her lips turned up in a soft smile, “Their history together is pretty remarkable. I’m awed by how much they love one another.”

“It must have been intimidating to join that dynamic,” the doctor suggested.

“I don’t remember feeling intimidated. I think we all had insecurities about where we fit in with the other two,” Felicity responded.

“That’s true,” Tommy agreed. “I sometimes felt like a third wheel with Oliver and Felicity. They have this shorthand with one another. They finish each other’s sentences. They share a passion for the work they do. In the beginning, there were times I felt like an outsider looking in.”

“How about you, Oliver?” Dr. Mathers asked.

Oliver covered Tommy and Felicity’s joined hands with his own, “We got together not long after I returned from the island and my mom died. One of the many reasons I love Tommy and Felicity is because of their love for life. They can make me smile and laugh, even when I’m doing my best to be serious. Back then, it was harder for me to enjoy the moment. I would watch them laugh and be silly and sometimes wish I could be more like them. I thought they’d be better off without my darkness.”

“Can you think of when those feelings went away – for each of you?”

“After the break, right?” Felicity asked her husbands quietly.

“I think that’s fair,” Tommy answered.

“Me too,” Oliver agreed.

“What changed?” the doctor prompted.

“I think we were more honest with one another,” Felicity answered.

“I was more honest,” Oliver corrected. “I had been keeping a lot of emotional secrets from Felicity and Tommy. Mostly, about my sexuality. It was hard for me to admit my sexual attraction to men, beyond my attraction to Tommy.”

“As you all reflect on that time, what lessons can you bring forward to help you understand what is happening now? What is causing this emotional divide between the three of you?”

“Beyond my depression?” Felicity asked.

“I think your depression is contributing to the situation, but I think your current difficulties arose before the twins were born. Do you agree?” the doctor asked Felicity.

“When I couldn’t get pregnant – that’s when things became strained,” Felicity answered.

“When, we, couldn’t get pregnant,” Oliver corrected. “You always make it sound like it was your fault. I am the one who is infertile.”

“We had healthy embryos. You did your part. I was the one who wasn’t getting pregnant,” Felicity countered.

Oliver snorted, “I did my part? I jerked off into a cup. They had to inject my sperm into your eggs. I think it’s safe to say that I didn’t do much of anything.”

“Ollie,” Tommy cautioned.

The doctor held up her hand to stop Tommy from continuing. “Oliver, how did you feel while Felicity was trying to get pregnant through invitro?”

Oliver rubbed his hands over his face, “Terrible. Powerless. Felicity and Tommy wanted my child and I was making them miserable. I drove a wedge between them,” he said guiltily.

“Why would you say that?” the doctor asked.

Oliver winced, “They stopped having sex.”

“Is that true?” the doctor asked Tommy and Felicity.

“Yes, we stopped having sex,” Tommy said gruffly.

“Why?” Dr. Mather’s asked Tommy.

“She was hyper fertile with all the fertility drugs she was on. I was terrified she’d get pregnant and Oliver would think it was mine,” Tommy admitted with tears in his eyes. “Even with a condom, I was terrified.” He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, “Having sex with Felicity filled me with anxiety. So, I stopped.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?” Felicity tugged gently on Tommy’s arm.

Tommy lowered his hands and tears spilled from his eyes, “Because you were so worried about getting pregnant, I didn’t want you to have to deal with my nonsense.”

Felicity began to cry. Tommy rubbed her back and whispered soothing words to her. When she regained her composure she explained, “I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I thought you resented me for not being able to get pregnant with Oliver’s baby.”

Tommy took a ragged breath, “Babe, I have never stopped wanting you. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

Felicity fell against Tommy and wept. For the longest time, she’d feared that she’d broken her relationship with him because she’d been so fixated on getting pregnant with Oliver’s baby. She never stopped to consider that he was afraid of impregnating her and making things worse in their relationship with Oliver than they already were. “I’m so sorry,” she said against his neck. “I broke our number one rule.”

“We all did,” Tommy kissed her temple.

“What’s your number one rule?” the doctor asked curiously.

“Condoms,” Oliver, Tommy and Felicity said together and then began to laugh.

The doctor watched them as they stopped and started in bursts of giggles.

“Sorry,” Oliver grinned at the therapist, “it’s an old inside joke. Communication. That’s the rule we broke. We stopped being honest with one another.”

“How about you and Tommy? Were you having sex during that time?” the doctor asked.

“Tommy and I stopped having sex before we stopped having sex with Felicity,” Oliver answered.

“Why is that?”

“I was angry. I was jealous. I resented that he was able to give Felicity and me two beautiful children and I wasn’t able to do the same.” Oliver wiped the tears that fell from his eyes, “I was feeling sorry for myself, and withholding affection from Tommy is the most effective way to hurt him.”

“You wanted to hurt him?” Dr. Mather’s encouraged Oliver to keep talking.

Oliver’s face crumpled as he struggled to regain his composure. He nodded, “Yes. I wanted him to hurt as much as I was.” He reached over Felicity and took Tommy’s hand, “I’m sorry. I was intentionally cruel. You deserved better from me.”

“I won’t lie. I was angry and I was hurt, but I forgave you a long time ago for that, Ollie. I understood why you were doing what you were doing. I’ve known you my whole life,” Tommy needlessly reminded his husband. “I know all your destructive coping mechanisms.”

“Still, I’m sorry I put you through that,” Oliver squeezed Tommy’s hand. “I wasn’t just hurting myself, I was hurting you.”

“Thank you,” Tommy placed a kiss to Oliver’s knuckles.

“How about you and Oliver?” the doctor asked Felicity. “You were trying to get pregnant with Oliver’s child. Why did the two of you stop?”

Felicity didn’t want to answer the doctor’s question. There was a part of her that wanted to forget the past three years had ever happened. She was still angry with Oliver for cutting himself off from her when she needed him most.

“You don’t have to protect me,” Oliver took Felicity’s hand. “Before I found out I was infertile, I started to find sex to be a chore. We became slaves to her cycle. It stopped being about intimacy and connection and just about getting pregnant. After we learned that I was infertile, sex just reminded me of how I was failing her.”

“Felicity, how did that make you feel?”

“Abandoned,” Felicity said through her tears. “I needed him. I needed both of them, but I really needed Oliver.”

“Don’t tell me, tell him.”

 “I felt alone, even when you were with me. It was something that was happening to us, but you let me go through it alone. You left without leaving. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, you would’ve left us – me, Tommy, Bobby, Becca.”

Oliver shook his head, “No. I never would’ve left our children.”

“But you would’ve left us because I couldn’t get pregnant,” Felicity insisted.

“If you didn’t get pregnant with the twins, you would never have agreed to have a third baby with Tommy, unless I left. I knew how much you wanted a third child.” Oliver turned to the doctor, “This is a dangerous topic for us. We fought about it before we even tried to get pregnant. I got overruled.”

“Tell me. What was the fight about?”

“When we first decided we wanted to have children, it was about having a child together. Tommy and I agreed that biology was irrelevant. It worked. We had Bobby and then Becca and I was happy. I loved our children. We had discussed having a third child, but then they changed the rules.”

“Conceive knowing that you were the father?”

“Yes. I would’ve been fine conceiving our third child the same way we did our first two.” Oliver turned to his spouses, “I would’ve loved that child.”

“No one is saying you wouldn’t have,” Tommy said.

“I love all our children, equally,” Oliver said. “Their biology doesn’t matter.”

“Do you think Tommy and Felicity don’t believe that?”

“Do you think I don’t love the twins as much as B2?” Tommy asked.

“I don’t doubt your love for our children, because your heart is something I’ve never doubted.” Oliver rubbed his hand over his face, “I’m not good at articulating my feelings.”

“You’re doing fine,” the doctor encouraged.

“When we originally tried to get pregnant, it was about the three of us and our love. We were creating a baby from our love, all our love. It didn’t matter that only one of us could be the biological father because we were conceiving that baby together. I understand you wanted to have a part of me – I do get that. But, when we tried to get pregnant a third time, it stopped feeling like it was about us creating a life together. It didn’t feel like us.” Oliver moved to kneel in front of his spouses. He took their hands and entwined their fingers. “Once the twins arrived and their health issues stopped being terrifying, I realized I was wrong. Conceiving Nate and Prue wasn’t as pleasurable as Bobby and Becca, but we still conceived them together. Our experiences might’ve been different, but we were experiencing it together. Even with what a mess this was and how much we screwed up with one another, we’re still together. We’re still fighting for each other. None of this was easy, but we got our miracle. We have the family that we wanted and I don’t want to lose us, now that we have it. I love you both.” He kissed their joined hands, “I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I shut down on both of you. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I made you feel alone. I don’t want to give up. I want us to be us again.”

“What’s keeping you from feeling like an us?” the doctor asked as Oliver returned to his seat beside Felicity.

“I think I feel stuck,” Felicity answered. “I want to get back our intimacy. I want to get into our bed and not feel like something is missing, or that I’m being left out. I don’t know how to get – unstuck.”

“What’s keeping you from having sex now?” the doctor asked.

“The guys are having sex,” the words rushed out of Felicity. She hadn’t told her husbands she knew that they’d resumed their sexual relationship.

Oliver and Tommy turned to her in surprise. “What?” they asked together.

“I know you’re having sex,” she said, suddenly embarrassed that she had waited to tell them until they were with their therapist. “I’ve heard you. I’ve seen you.”

The tips of Oliver’s ears turned red, “Felicity. We’re not having sex.”

“Let’s not quibble over semantics,” Tommy said to his husband. He took Felicity’s hand, “We are engaging in mutual masturbation. There has been some oral sex, but mostly, we’re jerking each other off in the shower. After Nate’s seizure, I needed comfort. I needed someone to hold me.”

“We haven’t made love,” Oliver took Felicity’s other hand. “We haven’t been hiding things from you, but Tommy and I have been taking comfort and pleasure from one another. We knew you weren’t ready and we didn’t want you to feel obligated.”

“I’m not accusing you of hiding anything. I wouldn’t blame you if you were. I haven’t made myself available to either of you – emotionally, let alone physically.” Felicity caressed Oliver’s cheek, “I’m glad you were able to find solace in one another. I’m grateful you had each other. If you didn’t, I’m certain we’d be in a lawyer’s office instead of in therapy trying to make things better.”

“We miss you,” Oliver said with a sad smile. “We miss us.”

“Felicity, what are your thoughts on resuming your sexual relationship with Oliver and Tommy?” the doctor prompted.

“For a long time, I had no interest in sex,” Felicity answered.

“And now?”

“I’m nervous about it,” Felicity admitted. “I mean, after Bobby was born, I was really worried about it, because I didn’t know what to expect. I was less anxious after Becca was born. We’d been through it before and we’d figured it out.” She twisted her fingers together in her lap, “My body is so different now. I have a scar from the C-section. I have more stretch marks than before. My boobs are saggier. Even though I’ve lost the weight – my body is different. I’m worried they won’t find me desirable.”

Oliver and Tommy remained silent.

“What are you thinking about?” the doctor asked Oliver and Tommy.

“I’m thinking that no matter what I say, she won’t believe me,” Oliver said.

“Give it a try, anyway. Felicity, I want you to listen to Oliver and hear what he’s saying to you,” the doctor encouraged.

“I love you, Felicity,” he touched his index finger to the center of her forehead. “You have loved my broken body from the beginning. I love all of you. Scars. Sagging body parts. Gray hair. Laugh lines. We earned all of this together. We vowed to grow old with one another.”

“Tommy, do you have something you’d like to say?”

Tommy tucked a strand of hair behind Felicity’s ear, “I love your body. It has loved me. It has comforted me. It has carried and nourished our four children. If the doctor wasn’t sitting right there, I’d kiss you breathless.”

Felicity laughed, “You’re incorrigible.”

“I know,” he grinned, “it’s why you love me.”

She nodded her head, “One of many reasons.”

“I know it’s not easy with four children at home, but I’d like for you to do some intimacy exercises.” The doctor pulled out a pad and began to write. “I’d like for you to sleep naked, or go to bed naked and not put your pajamas back on until the twins get you up for their first feeding. I think skin on skin contact will help to rebuild that connection. I’d also like for Felicity to spend a few minutes every day kissing each of you. I’m not looking for any of this to lead to sex, but if the mood strikes and you have the opportunity, I encourage you to take advantage. The oxytocin released during sex will help rebuild your intimacy and it will make you feel better, Felicity. We want as many feel-good hormones as we can get running through you. There’s still work for us to do, but I’d like you to start here.”

Tommy rubbed his hands together, “Tender touching. We’re good at that one.”

Felicity bumped her shoulder into his side, “Behave.”

“I’m pretty sure the doc is telling me, specifically, not to behave,” Tommy grinned.

Oliver reached out and took the paper the doctor was holding out. “Thank you. I think we’ll have progress to report next week.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always welcomed and appreciated. Hearing from you is my favorite part of the day.
> 
> I'm a little late with my Wednesday post. 
> 
> Work continues to be hectic. I don't think there will be another post until next week. 
> 
> Prompt requests are encouraged.
> 
> You can also come say hi to me on tumblr. http://realityisoverrated-fic.tumblr.com


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